Jeni was one of my closest friends in high school: the kind of friendship that accumulates in notes passed in class, hundreds of hours on the phone, late nights in student government, and a brief, tender attempt at something more. We knew pretty quickly that the romance wasn't right, though I understood the reason for that better than she did at the time.
In June of 2011, I mailed her a coming out letter. I didn't know how she'd take it. What followed over the next few weeks was one of the most honest exchanges of this whole journey, and it sticks with me.
By the time I sent the email below, the letter was already in the mail.
Hi Jeni,
I mailed you a letter that you should receive any day now (if you haven't already).
This letter is a really important one, and something that for now needs to be kept very private. I've included you in a very small group of people who will know about this.
I need to ask you to please not talk to anyone about it okay? There will come a time shortly when you can, but it's really important that you keep this confidential, okay? It's just that this is significant enough, and affects enough people that people can get hurt if it comes out in the wrong way. I feel like I can trust you, so that's why I went ahead and wrote you about it. I wanted you to know before we might see each other in person this month (which I know is still somewhat up in the air).
When you get it can you make sure you read it alone? Just so that nobody is around wondering about it? I'm sorry to be so weird about this.
Of course after you read it you are welcome to talk about it with me or Samantha. But if you'd like to talk to someone else about it the only other people that know are Garret and Deeanne, so you are welcome to talk to either of them if you need to okay?
Anyway, sorry to make a big deal out of it, I just have to be very careful about this for the next couple months.
Thank you. :)
Your friend,
Matt
She got the letter the same day I sent the email. Read it alone on her lunch break, then went back to work and slept on it. The next morning she wrote from an iPad she didn't like typing on, because she couldn't wait any longer.
Hey Matt,
I wanted to let you know that I did get your letter yesterday. I got it when I came home for lunch so I did read it by myself. I feel honored that you trust me with this and promise you I will keep your confidentiality.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around right now that will probably be hard to communicate especially since I'm typing this all on an iPad. I think I'm going to wait until I get back to a regular computer. I just wanted you to know that I got the letter. I also just finished reading your blog. I started crying as I was reading. I can't believe how much you've gone through emotionally over the years and we had no idea. I'm sorry that for so many years you had to keep that part of your life hidden and the sadness it caused you.
I'll continue my thoughts tomorrow. I think I'm still trying to process everything. I'm proud of you though. I know this has not been easy for you.
Talk to you soon,
Jeni
Hi Jeni,
Wow. Thank you so much for sending me this short email. I was pretty sure you would have gotten the letter today and I wasn't sure how you were taking it. I was worried that maybe something was wrong.
I totally understand about the thoughts swirling around. I'm so glad you got a chance to read my blog too. It's clear to me that you are trying to understand; thank you.
It's a really hard thing. Transition is hard, there's so much I don't know, that I haven't learned yet, and there are challenges it brings, one of which is the potential disruption of relationships. But I can say it completely cures my gender dysphoria, it's gone. In that sense I feel more at peace internally than at any other point in my life. But in terms of my inner spirit I feel hopeful.
Well, thank you so much for your response. I am very grateful for you Jeni.
Matt/Maddie
I checked in the next morning.
Hey Jeni,
Is everything okay? Just checking in.
She didn't write back that day. When the reply finally came that evening, it started like this.
I'm so sorry. I know I said I was going to get back to you yesterday but it was crazy at work so I couldn't do it at work and then I had to meet some friends right after work for a bike ride and then once again didn't want to have to use my ipad. My home computer is messed up and I have it with a friend right now who is supposedly fixing it. Anyways, lots of excuses but I really am sorry I didn't get back to you.
I've probably been putting it off a little bit too just because I really don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling.
Obviously, this took me by surprise. I think it's especially hard because I haven't seen you or talked to you in so long so it's not like I had any clues that maybe this was going on so that I could kind of ease into it. I'm not good with change of any kind and this is a pretty big change. I think it's going to take me awhile to really wrap my mind around it and get used to it. I really think I will eventually though. It just won't be right away. I think it's going to be really hard for me to get used to calling you Maddie/Madelyn/her/she etc. It's kind of the same way that I still can't call Mr. H Larry and he has asked me multiple times to do that. I just can't bring myself to do it though. He was Mr. H for so many years. In my mind and memories you are Matt and that's not going to change overnight. I know this must be hard to hear and I'm sorry. I don't mean it in a bad way at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know intellectually that you are Maddie/Madelyn and I will get there. It's just going to take some time. I hope you can be patient with me.
I loved that email. The Mr. H thing specifically: she wasn't making an excuse or a judgment, she was telling me the truth about how her brain worked. She was struggling, but she was trying. And that's exactly what I needed.
I wrote back that same night.
Hey Jeni,
Thanks so much for your email.
Your email is so beautiful and heartfelt. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And believe me, I know the feeling having thoughts and feelings swirling around your head, and not feeling sure if you are making sense. I've lived so much of my life not being able to make sense of this really. I mean, in my heart I've felt like a girl literally from my earliest memories, but as soon as I realized that wasn't okay in my head I just told myself that that was silly. I've tried so long to convince myself I'm just crazy, and that this would one day go away.
Anyway, your email is really beautiful because it sort of gives me a little glimpse into some of the things you are thinking. I was a little worried about how you might take this, partly because I know we have such a rich experience together. Mostly as very close friends, and of course the short time we dated too. I didn't think you would be mean to me or anything, but I was worried that it might be hard in some way for you. I'm really sorry about that.
You know, I felt bad about how the dating part all went down honestly Jeni. The thing is that I saw you as probably my closest kindred spirit all those years, a kind of girl friend (like the kind of intimate friendship two girls might have) that the romance thing didn't work for me. I wanted it to. You were more than just a friend to me, you were a kind of role model for me too. You were/are a beautiful person, the kind of person I wanted to emulate. You have always had such a healthy balance of intellect, inner strength, and compassion; a strong feminine spirit. Anyway, I'm aware that you didn't know any of this, or understood fully how I saw and related to you, and of course I couldn't have told you since I was so terrified about this part of myself. That's one of the really beautiful things about you is that no matter my birth sex I know we would have been really close friends. But I feel bad that I messed things up for a little while there Jeni when I tried to make it more.
Particularly hard for me is thinking about the different girls I dated and how my relationship with them might have gone when this all came out, which it would have, or likely ended in my suicide to protect the secret. Early on I thought that maybe marriage and finding "true love" might make it go away. It doesn't. I considered joining the military at one point (how crazy was that idea, can you imagine ME in the military?!) to try and make me more comfortable with being a "boy." Anyway, the point is that a lot of trans people (and obviously gay people say similar things) convince themselves that marriage might make them better, then when it doesn't they think maybe having kids might make it better, then when it doesn't they end up having to come to terms with it. Some end their lives to protect the secret.
I could have very well gone that path, marriage, kids, etc, all keeping this in. The level of pain I'm going through now with the potential dissolution of my marriage, and the massive potential disruption in my other relationships, and career potentially, potential discrimination, etc, pales in comparison to the pain I might have felt and inflicted on another path. So even though I look back at some of my previous relationships fondly, and am so grateful for the people who came into my life, I cannot possibly imagine how my life might have turned out and how destructive that path might have been.
I know it's hard to get pronouns and names right. It's okay if it's hard. As a funny side note I spent the weekend with my family in Oregon over Memorial Day weekend and this was the first time my parents and brother have seen me since I went full time. It was funny because they kept getting pronouns all mixed up and calling me "Matt" even in public places when I'm right there totally looking like a girl. "Hey Matt, I think this blouse would look really cute on you" kind of thing. :) I think some trans people have a hard time with this stage of everyone getting used to their new name etc, but I'm actually okay with it. When it came to my family I just thought it was funny because I know they are genuinely trying hard to make the change. And they are actually getting better at it. By the end of the weekend they were doing so much better and catching themselves.
Okay, this is getting really long, longer than I intended. I just really was touched by your email Jeni, and I really appreciated it, so I felt like gushing a little myself in response. :)
I would love to see you. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you ever want to. It's okay if it feels weird or something too.
I'm here if you feel like chatting.
Love,
M :)
A few days later, I sent her the video blogs.
Hi Jeni,
It was so nice talking with you today on the phone. Thank you so much for having the courage to call me.
Well, here are most of the videos I've done. The introduction is the one I told you I recorded today (Friday), it's the first on the list. Anyway, I hope these will help give you a little insight into what my journey has been like this year.
Please don't hesitate to email or call me okay?
Jeni was passing through Seattle on her way to a family cruise. She had a layover, a few hours, her parents on the same flight. We'd been loosely planning to try to see each other.
I just finished watching most of the videos. I realized I was running out of time and need to get somewhere so I skipped to the bottom. Thank you so much for sending them to me. After watching these and especially after talking to you on Friday night I feel a lot less anxiety about everything. The whole thing is still a little surreal to me though. It was really comforting to watch these videos and still see you and not some girl that I don't even recognize. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was happy to feel that seeing you on the video and talking to you still felt "normal."
I just talked to my mom and she thinks that our shuttle leaves at either 2 or 2:30 p.m. on Friday so I'm thinking that might be the best time for us to get together if that works for you. We could leave before my parents get in and then just make sure we're back by 1:30 or 2 so that they are not sitting there waiting for me. Do you think that would work?
Thanks again for being so understanding with me as I am trying to process all of this. I realized after we talked that you are the one going through all of this yet you are acting as kind of a cheerleader and encourager for me. I hope I can do the same for you.
See you soon!
Jeni
Yay! Jeni I am so glad to hear you are doing okay. I have been worried a little hearing about your anxiety and lost sleep. I feel kinda bad about it.
One of the hardest parts in this for me is all the guilt I have felt about coming out. I've always known it wouldn't be easy for a lot of people and I felt so bad about that. It's just one of those things, there is no easy way to do this. So I have learned to be okay with it. Be okay with the first few minutes of awkwardness that comes when I see a friend for the first time as "Maddie," with the sense of loss that both I and others have felt, with the fear of challenges that this path brings, and with the fear of others knowing the deepest, most private thoughts I've had my entire life. And still, it's okay. I honestly don't know what else to do than this.
Anyway I'm so glad that you were able to see a few of these and that you felt okay watching them. I'm glad you still see me in person that appears on the screen. I'm sure you'll still see me when we get together in person too. It will be a moment we'll remember forever, which in a way is kinda cool. Even if awkward for a moment.
Over the next few days we worked out the logistics of the day we'd meet, first by email, then by SMS.
She landed. We had lunch somewhere near the airport, bags in the car, a few hours. I don't have a record of what we said.
What I have is what she wrote the next evening.
I just wanted to say again how good it was to see you and to get some time to hang out and talk. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I felt. It's still different, obviously, but it's also still you.
I realized too that I really haven't affirmed you enough about what you are doing. You come across as so confident and have everything planned out so well that you make the whole transition look so easy that I tend to forget how much you are going through and how hard this has been for you. I can't even imagine the apprehension, fear, and anxiety you must feel each time you come out to someone new. It's not just a one time thing either. You are doing it over and over. So I just want you to know that I really admire you for all that you are doing and if there is anything I can do to be a better friend or more supportive please let me know.
My parents really were sad they didn't get to see you. They went and ate at BJ's which I think may have been close to where we were.
Thanks again for coming out to meet me and for being yourself with me. I truly do love and care about you. You are family to me.
Jeni
It was positively glorious hanging out with you Jeni! :)
By the way Jeni, simply by loving and accepting people for who they are you do affirm them. Saying the words themselves like you did in this email is wonderful, thank you. But I just want you to know that just seeing you try to work through this, and being willing to still be my friend is in itself one of the biggest life gifts you could ever give me, even without saying the words. Seriously. Your actions reveal your intentions of your heart. It's the most authentic kind of beautiful.
I think it's in times like these that the true depth and nature of a friendship bubbles to the surface. Despite how hard this has been for me, and you are right it is a profound challenge, there also is beauty in it. Going through things like this in life helps show who your real friends are. It's an amazing and humbling experience to put something like this out there and have your friends and family lift you up and help give you strength. I don't even know how to express in words what it feels like Jeni. It is a profoundly moving and humbling experience.
And it's from this place of gratitude that my strength and courage comes.
Jeni came home from the cruise with sea legs and jet lag, and I wrote the moment I saw she was back.
Hey Jeni,
I see you made it home safe!
I'm so glad we got the chance to do lunch. It was so cool to see you again!
Maybe we'll be able to do it again sometime.
Love,
Maddie
Hey Maddie,
Yes, I made it home safely although with much jet lag and sea legs. Last night I was laying in bed and it felt like my bed was moving. I was so dizzy I could barely walk. I went running this morning and that seemed to help. Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon. I'm exhausted but luckily have a long weekend coming up.
Yes, it was definitely one of the highlights of my trip to have lunch with you. I'm really glad we got to do it. I do love Seattle so maybe I'll be able to make it out again sometime soon.
How are things going for you? Have you told Johnny yet?
I think about you lots. Hopefully we can talk soon. I have book club coming to my house tonight so I need to go clean up.
Talk to you later,
Jeni
Hey Jeni,
I did tell Johnny. Actually he got the letter while you were on the ship. I think he's having a hard time with it to be honest. His email to me was supportive, but he also said that he's trying to figure some things out. To be honest I'm a little worried, but he also says not to worry that he still will always be my friend. I think it's just a little hard for some reason.
Anyway, it's too bad that he's so far away. He doesn't have the benefit of being able to see me in person, which I think helps a lot. I mean sure, I've changed, but I'm also the same spirit. I'm not running away from my past or erasing memories or whatever. I could never do that.
Okay, well I'm so glad I was able to see you too. I keep saying that but it's the truth!!! :) I would love it if you came for a visit. We have a guest room and you could totally stay here and visit Seattle if you wanted Jeni, it wouldn't be weird at all. You can come any time.
Maddie
I'm sure Johnny will be ok. He's probably just surprised like I was and has to process it. If he wrote you a supportive email I'm sure he meant it. Don't worry, I won't pass anything along to him. I've been reading more of the book you sent me. Have you finished it yet? It's amazing how much of her story sounds similar to yours. I'm hoping to finish it this weekend.
I'm trying to decide whether to go to church today or not. I woke up feeling like I'm getting a cold. I think I've worn my body out this week with the jet lag and then getting up early every morning to go swimming or running. I overslept yesterday and was late to work which I don't think has ever happened in my whole life. I need a vacation from my vacation. Luckily this is a long weekend.
Hope you're doing well!
Jeni
Yeah I think he will be okay eventually too but it's just interesting how each person takes it differently. My uncle was just wanting to be sure I wasn't gay when my dad told him. I guess it will be okay as long as he sees me as a man who decided to try out being a girl. If he thinks of me as a girl then he might realize I am gay and want me to start liking guys. :)
I guess my grandma on the other hand took it well.
You should be careful about being late to work, you might have to fire yourself. But you can do it nicely and give yourself a nice severance and a hug I guess. :)
Today we are going on a jet boat ride around this national park north of here. Should be fun.
You should stay home though if you are sick.
Yeah it is interesting the similarities among just about any trans story. Most of us don't know there are others out there like us and process and struggle for years before reaching a breaking point. And then eventually you read there are others like you and they have a similar experience. It's surreal. But I guess people that are born blind share some similar thoughts and feelings growing up too. It makes sense in a way.
Yesterday I went to my electrologist and got my 'mustache' zapped. It's not much of a mustache anymore but I still have hairs coming in. Stopped by the dentist first and got my whole lip numbed then got electrolysis for 90 minutes. I can't wait till I am done with that.
Getting down to the wire. I will probably change my name and gender legally this month and come out publicly. It's going to be a little stressful. Oh well.
Was looking through old pictures of myself. Even from a couple years back. It's amazing how I have changed. Not having as much facial hair alone makes quite a difference.
Okay need to get out of bed. Have a good day!
Maddie
P.S. Oh by the way I did finish the book finally. Week before last.
Twelve days after that last email, I published the Open Letter.
Jeni lives in Georgia now. We still write. The contact is less frequent than those late nights in high school, less urgent than those June emails, but it's still there.